Another excerpt from my memoir…
Morgana and Warren accompanied me to the park where I was going to meet up with Kael for the fireworks. After texting a bit, we’d decided that this would be kind of a fun double date. I was wearing daisy dukes, a crop top, and sandals; my hair was in pigtails. My heart was bouncing and coiling like a slinky inside of my chest as I tugged on Morgana’s arm and skipped around gleefully. Her eyes were shrewd as she looked me over. “You good darlin’?”
“Mmmm!” I bounced on my toes. “I’m good.”
Warren looked dubiously at Morgana but she shrugged. These two had known me for years: Morgana for 12, Warren for about 4, ever since the two of them had met at a photoshoot and slid into love. Warren gave Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec vibes: deadpan, dry but quick-witted humor, creative and hard-working. If you looked at Warren you might think he was a blue-collar, salt-of-the-earth guy, but then he’d trip you up with his beautiful photography and his quiet sincerity. Morgana seemed truly happy with him, and what made her happy made me happy.
And Morgana, of course, was my ride-or-die. My best friend through the Summer of the Newsies, to bacchanalian-like revelries, and then to park days and exploring the city with me while I was sober. I wondered if she was thinking of the magic of the summer so far: the rides we’d taken with the windows down, the storms, the feeling of intensity that lit us up from within. Sometimes we’d look down at our fingers, surprised we didn’t see actual sparks coming from them, when the energy was so strong we felt like we’d burst. We’d whoop and holler in my red pickup truck and go quiet at the moonbows in the sky, whispering incantations to open portals that we might dance through without looking back – her in pointe shoes, me in falling-apart-boots. This, in contrast, felt – different, somehow. Like we were looking in all the wrong places, and we needed fireworks and booms to rectify it, or to make this place more bearable. I loved her fiercely, and always would; I vowed that whatever tonight might bring, we’d go back to looking – tomorrow. I met her eyes and bowed my head, a reminder: tomorrow, we keep looking. Her green irises flared with understanding.
And then Kael rode in on his motorcycle. I could almost feel the power of that beast between my own thighs: revving and humming with heat, willing to take me just about anywhere on the open road. I hadn’t wanted to ride one since my fateful accident that had driven me home to Ohio a few years before, but I somehow knew that Kael would make sure I was safe. He wouldn’t let me get on the back, wasted, and burn myself on the exhaust pipe until the smell of burning flesh registered. I don’t know how I knew but I just… did.
He took off his helmet and pushed his hair out of his eyes while I stood there, awkwardly, my heart pounding, my body reacting chemically. He loped over to me, and the intensity in his gaze made my knees feel weak. “Hi!” I squeaked out, and awkwardly hugged him. His touch lingered a beat too long, and I knew that my face was flushed. I quickly introduced him to Morgana and Warren. I knew she was eyeing him up and down, deciding whether or not he was worthy of me, and I loved her for it. But he didn’t shrink from that appraisal. He had a cocksure attitude that was almost charming. We settled into the grass, breaking into our own private conversations until the fireworks began.
I let myself become a child again, as I watched them. July 4th was my dad’s favorite holiday; mom always liked to bring up how he made his own “parade” in our small Floridian neighborhood when we were children. There were photos of him carrying an American Flag around, with an Uncle Sam hat on his head, adults and kids trailing after him with their bikes and their joy. My parents were here somewhere, I knew, but were keeping a respectful distance because of my date. I hoped they felt young again, too; they’d more than earned that.
The grass under my hands felt warm, absorbing the heat of Midwest July. Kael was close, but not strangely so; and yet every point of contact felt electrified. I could feel him watching the sky, and then me. I kept thinking: Why does this feel so different from the first (and only) time we hung out? Why do I feel like I swallowed fireflies? Why does my tongue feel like taffy? Why is my body filled with hunger and heat? And does he feel it, too?
Morgana’s lips were curved with intrigue as she tipped her own head to the sky, her freckles stark in the light of the flashes. I squeezed her hand, grateful that she was here, that I didn’t have to face this – whatever this was – alone. The truth was, I hadn’t been with anyone since getting sober, and I was extremely nervous. I’d used alcohol to dull these fears before, but they felt sharp, prickling between my ribs, making my jaw clench tight so hard that my molars might grind themselves to dust. What if the magic was beside me, in the form of this man?
Later, Kael and I trailed behind Morgana and Warren as we walked back to the parking lot. She looked back at me, eyebrows raised a bit, and I understood: Are you ok? I nodded and she tugged on Warren’s arm, pulling him a little out of the way to give Kael and I space. He turned around and I widened my eyes to convey I was ok and also, mind ya business! When he faced forward he was laughing a bit, putting his arms around my dearest friend and shuffling forward. I appreciated the brotherly gesture; it warmed my cockles. I’d always wanted a brother, but I’m sure it came with many moments of this: being a tad overprotective. Didn’t he know that Morgana would absolutely fucking ruin Kael if tried anything that made me uncomfortable? I’m pretty sure he did, and still checked just the same. I didn’t really mind it. I knew they were just cautious, making up for the many times I hadn’t been.
Kael and I stopped by his bike and I looked into his eyes as he stood there, a bit uncertainly. “Thanks for coming tonight.” I bit my lip and watched as his gaze narrowed in on my mouth. Suddenly my whole body was hot.
“Thanks for inviting me,” he murmured, and the first rumble of thunder boomed through the skies. He looked up at the stars, brows furrowed, and I remembered that he was driving a motorcycle tonight and probably didn’t want to be a target for lightning.
“Right, well, I’ll let you go. I don’t want you to get caught in the rain.” I backed away, but he caught my hand in his.
“Can I see you again soon?”
“I… um… yes!” I nodded and looked down. “Yes,” I repeated softly, smiling at the ground, too afraid to be caught up in the hypnotic blue-green of his eyes. I figured he’d let me go, but he didn’t. When I raised my gaze, questioning, he tugged me forward. Every step felt like a symphony, and then we were pressed together, nothing between us but the thin fabric of his jeans and my shorts, and everything zipping and zapping, like nothing I’d felt in years. I felt tongue-tied and shy, like the preteen who barely spoke a word to anyone beyond her family and very few friends. His hands cupped my hip and my breath was ragged. He lowered his head to mine and my eyes fluttered closed, my hands snaking around his neck.
I know the line, I saw fireworks has been used. And the truth is, I didn’t. I saw lightning. When we kissed, that first bolt of lightning jolted the sky. And still we clung on, not willing to let go. I thought, This feels like some sort of omen. Then, I didn’t think at all. It was all soft lips, slow hands cruising down my body, shivers down my spine.
All while lighting forked the sky.
When he stepped back, I knew something fundamental had changed between us. I think he felt it too. He grinned and put his gear on, waving goodbye before he peeled out of the parking lot, racing against the storm. I caught up to Morgana and tugged on her arm, squealing. She laughed a little, peering up at me. “It went well, I take it?”
“It really did,” I sighed, tipping my head onto hers.
“Well good!”
“Catch up later, let’s make it to the car now.” Warren sounded gruff but I heard the slight teasing in his words, and lengthened my strides.
That night, the storm raged, and my heart did the same.
“nobody knows it but you’ve got a secret smile and you use it only for me”
(Facebook entry from July 9th, 2012)
“I told myself, I will never let anyone have me, I will never let anyone in…”
(Facebook entry from July 24,2012)
“P_ _ t _ _ _ ?”
(Facebook entry from August 5,2012)
Elisabeth Writing 