(TW: brief mention of suicide and addiction) Today I found myself musing on self sabotage or, as I frequently find myself calling it, self destruction. I think a lot of my life has been dictated by these perverse behaviors, and anyone that has known me for a long time would no doubt agree with that.…

Crimson girl with the cocoa colored eyes, almond shaped, sparkling with mischief. We perched on lockers, sucking lollipops and trying to pretend that we were women; but we were only children. I remember when we replaced popsicles for cigarettes, Jones soda for whiskey, movie nights and popcorn for sneaking out and midnight, drugged kisses. I…

I crashed my bike yesterday, and it taught me a lesson.  But let’s back up.  Midwest spring means blooms turning their shy faces to the burgeoning strength of the sun. Leaves begin to adorn the dryad’s branches, like ladies with lovely new hats, preening and clucking at one another. I like to sit in a…

I feel like the grey is burrowing under my skin. My veins are not the blue of summer midnights, but the grey slush of breaking winter dreams. Sometimes I believe I am like the month of March; a few days of fake Spring, making people emerge with hope, and then spoiling their smiles with snowfall…

***TRIGGER WARNING: discussion of suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, mental illness, addiction*** Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Goddess as we understood Her.  Yes, I changed the wording slightly to fit my own beliefs. I don’t LOVE how the big book is really Christian-based but…

I am a recovering alcoholic… and, for my sanity, I need to do shadow work, and work the steps. So, if you want to see my journey and my vulnerability, come along with me on this journey. 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. This is oddly…

I need to start this by saying I am getting back into shadow work again. And our next podcast is going to be about advice to our young selves. So here is the first part of my letter. Stay tuned for more… Dear Younger Me,  There are so many things I wish I had known,…

November is fucking depressing. It’s something about the bare trees, the grey skies, losing the hour of light in the evenings – and my own memories. I’ve been sober for 12 years and I’m eternally grateful for that. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and I celebrate this day every year, because I still…

I feel like I slip through the world in shadows, gathering a cloak of stars and darkness around me. I like the way the night curls around my long fingers, and the swelling secrets I hear on the murmuring wind.  But – I didn’t ask to be invisible.  I’m cold. Is this a version of…

I don’t know if I can make this poetic, when I just need to let it out. I don’t feel ok. I haven’t felt ok for weeks. Anxiety has been nipping at my heels, little bites of pain, making my whole body shake and tremble with irrational fear. Some days I feel like I’m floating…

Yesterday, I went back to that place.  I was making Texas sheet cake. I looked up the recipe in my email, and it mentioned a name that made my crystal heart fall – hit – shatter. I could feel that pit of dark stars and the echoes of light grow and grow and grow until…

I wrote this in a mood of deep exhaustion, sorrow and burnout. People do tend to unload on me as a massage therapist and an “empath” – but I fucking hate that word so I don’t use it. And perhaps I’m not that, but just traumatized and shattered. Maybe we’ll never know. So this is…

This is a piece I thought up when I was remembering one particular event that shaped my life, and then I thought of a few other times that changed the path I was on – for the good and for the bad. But in the end I’m proud of the woman I’ve become and the…

I wrote this this morning. I’ve done a lot of healing from my own wounds and others. I’ve grown a lot in my spiritual practice. And still, it’s a blow to my pride when old habits and ego take over. My first instinct when in pain is to run and hide, like a wild animal.…